Chris’ Blog #1

Hello.

For those who don’t know, I’ll be posting a blog here every Saturday for as long as I can bothered. I had an introductory blog, but this was deleted by a certain idiot. I have no real reason for this other than I have nothing better to do. If I’m in the mood I might even be funny once in a while, because I’m like that. Every week I’ll be posting ‘How Not To Cook’ and ‘Chris’ Guides’. Anything else I come up with, will also be chucked in here. Before you all start verbally attacking me at school, I know how sad me and David are. Live with it.

For those who don’t know me very well, I can tell you know I’m not a good cook. I’m known for how bad my food tastes, looks and just how crap it is. So this space is where I’ll tell you my most recent failure.

However, this week I outdid myself. During the process of making the mixture, David kindly pointed out how disgusting his looked. I agreed with him, kindly ignoring his ‘unattractive’ apple strudel. Ingredient after ingredient the mixture looked even worse, regardless I continued with the recipe.

In no time it was in the oven, just enough time to taste the competition. Matty B’s duck was amazing, yet Coxy’s Brownies weren’t one of his best. Pressure was on.

Then I took them out the oven, sweet jesus.

Hopefully, I’ll fail as much as David did next week.

Ok, I know I know I’m not as cool as you. But I’ve been with plenty of people for a lot of time and I can kind of figure out what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

1. Greet. Saying a simple ‘Hello’ doesn’t quite fit any more instead, the cool way is something like ‘Alright’ you can maybe get away with ‘Hi’. It’s the tone as well, saying it like Micheal Jackson isn’t cool, but saying it smooth and slow, much better.
2. Wear. Though you may think it, wearing trousers which are a size to big isn’t cool. Displaying your boxers (hopefully not briefs) to everyone isn’t the way forward, a simple cheap belt which no one needs to see will cover up your sweaty arse. If you’ve got spare cash kicking about, go be upper class and shop at Next. When you were clothes from Next, deliberately leave the label hanging out just so people know your stylish and loaded.
3. Language. Swearing in every sentence isn’t cool, it doesn’t make you any bigger nor any ‘arder. A swear word here and there isn’t wrong, everyone does it so join in. The best curses to use are ones which aren’t swearing but are still rude. Things like ‘bollucks’ and ‘sweaty nipples’ usually fit the bill.
4. School. Don’t wear the uniform. Find any way possible to bend the uniform rules, losen your tie and undo a few buttons, wear some epic socks from Topman.
5. Life. Make out you actually have an amazing social life. When someone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, the worst thing to say is ‘nothing’. Even if you’re doing nothing that’s not the point, here are some white lies I would use:
   • Yeah, busy weekend. Working tomorrow, then tennis, going out with my mates probably play some footy on the night and stay up for a drink.
   • Cinema, town, shopping and that’s just the morning!
   • Spending it with you <3
   • I have tons of homework, but I said I’d go to a party on Saturday! I have so many friends?

Well that’s pretty much it. It’s all I can think of and I’m pretty bored.

If you managed to read all this well done Sorry about the lack of ‘funny’ this week, I think I must of lost it when I got my hair cut.

Yeah I know I got my hair cut.

-Chris