Chris’ Blog #57: Useless

Hi everyone, with my most recent post not giving any super dooper blog action, I decided to show my face in a Blog, hoorah! The real reason I’m here? My 360 broke, I have nothing else to do.

Anyway, that’s actually about it for this ‘blog’, don’t worry it’s not ending there. I’ve got something to show you
For those who follow me well, you’ll know I planned a new series for my YT channel. The series is called Useless, its yet another idea I’ve had which has been scrapped, but this is the only one which ever actually felt like it was going somewhere. It’s also my first ever script, I’d say its hard to judge how good my scriptwriting is, seen as its never actually going to be used. I was fairly happy with it too, its not quite a video, but I hope you still get a snigger, or at the least a smile out of it

Before you delve in, let me give you a little backstory. It’s based a few years in the future, on Me, Phill, John and Glenn. References to our real lives are used throughout, so if you don’t know us, this won’t even be slightly humorous. Its fairly short, and probably wouldn’t use more than 4 minutes of footage, I was planning to use it as a pilot.

Scene 1

The set is professional, dark interviewing room. A desk lamp shines of Phill’s face that faces the camera.
Interviewer: So, a decent set of A-Levels here, what makes you want to shelf stack at Morrisons?
Phill: It’s my dream job; I’ve always wanted to work here.
Interviewer: I don’t appreciate sarcasm Mr. Gibbins. I don’t like your attitude one bit, you shall never work at Morrisons.
*Phill screams and scene blurs out to the 4 in bed, Phill jolts up*
The bedroom is dark and dingy, clothes are all over the furniture.
Phill: God, I had that dream again!
John: (Mumbling) No-one cares go back to sleep.
Phill: Once I’m awake I can’t get back to sleep, I’m off for breakfast.
John: It’s 5 in the morning.
Phill: (Ignoring John) Glenn, Chris either of you want to get up?
Glenn: Sure, in the army we got up much earlier than this, I can handle anything!
John: Glenn. You were in the army for 2 Months, it counts as nothing, other than you’re useless, now shut up.
Phill: Chris? Food?
Chris: Usually I’d embrace the offer, but I’m trying to get some sleep. Now, leave me alone virgin.
Phill: Are you seriously still calling me that? I wouldn’t exactly be proud of your history.
*Chris swings a lazy arm, Phill avoids and gets out of bed quickly followed by Glenn*
Chris: Spooning?
John: No. Shut the hell up.
Chris: Your loss.
*Intro kicks in*

Scene 2

Beginning in the kitchen/dining area, the camera starts by zooming out from a clock, it’s now half 5.Phill and Glenn are eating breakfast.
Glenn: Are you seriously still eating cereal dry?
Phill: Yeah, I don’t want soggy cereal.
*Chris enters, wearing a spooning t-shirt with various stains on it and some boxers*
Chris: Morning kids.
*Chris scratches his genitals and slumps down on a chair*
Phill: How pleasant.
Chris: Hey Phill, fancy setting up Halo?
Phill: Are you really that useless you can’t do it yourself? You’re 21 years old chris a-
Chris: (interrupting) Actually, I’m 20.
Phill: Shut up! Get yourself washed, Jesus, you stink! When was the last time you left the house anyways?
Chris: September?
Phill: Which year, Chris?
Chris: Last year.
Phill: So, you haven’t left the house in over 13 months? Do you seriously think you can live here forever playing on your Xbox and eating crap all the time? In case you haven’t noticed we’re all moving on, you’re going to be left behind Chris.
Chris: Moving on? When’s this happening? Face it Phill, you’re just a useless as I am.
*An awkward silence falls over the trio*
Glenn: Sooo, what’re we doing for John’s 21st?
Phill: Nothing.
Chris: Nothing?
Phill: Yes, nothing. We don’t have any money, or have you not noticed behind that fat belly of yours?
*Phill storms out*
Chris: I’m not fa-
Glenn: Come on now Chris, don’t kid yourself.

Scene 3

All four characters are sat playing on the Xbox in the lounge.
Chris: Behind You. Glenn, behind you. BEHIND YOU! Dammit, I died.
*All characters occasionally take a gulp out a can of beer/cider/bitter*
John: Argh, it’s noon already!
Chris: Yeah, so what?
John: That speed dating thing, come on Phill.
Glenn: There’s an app for that.
John: For speed dating?
Glenn: There’s an app for just about anything o-
John: Shut up.
*John and Phill leave urgently, leaving Glenn and Chris on the Xbox*
- Both characters stay silent until Chris is shocked letting out a huge yelp -

Before the scene begins john and phill are shown walking through a gate with the sign ‘Speed Dating @ Noon’
*Speed dating works as follows. The camera faces directly towards Phill and John’s faces as if they’re talking to the woman opposite, they share a mini speech, each saying one line, the background changes slightly, giving the impression that the pair are moving around a room as in speed dating, when the girls start speaking the reaction of Phill and John is shown on camera.*

John: Well, I’m nearly 21.
Phill: I live with 3 of my mates.
John: (Chuckles awkwardly) I don’t have a job.
Phill: But I am looking for one.
John: I err don’t do much in my spare time.
Phill: I like to spend time with the people I care about. Well, I mean I share a bed with 3 other guys.
John: Shame they’re all idiots right? (Another awkward laugh)
Phill: I’ll be honest with you.
John: I haven’t done anything interesting in my life.
Phill: So, interested?
Girl 1: Not really, you’re disgusting.
Girl 2: Please don’t ever speak to me again.
Girl 3: So really, you’re just useless?
Girl 4: When was the last time you had a wash?
Girl 5: Okay, I’ll be honest with you; you need to sort your life out.
Scene cuts to both of them walking out the gate.
Phill: So how did that go for you?
John: (Sarcastically) Oh just great.

*Both Phill and John return to the flat, john heads towards the lounge while Phill picks up the post. Upon entering the lounge you can see Chris on the computer, Ben Innes as his background and Glenn is eating dry pot noodle*

Glenn: Oh Hey Guys! How was speed dating?
John: Let’s not talk about it.
Phill: Guys, have you seen this? (Holding up a letter)
John: What is it?
Phill: It’s from our landlord, we need to start paying our rent or we’re out by the end of the month.
John and Chris look a little shocked, Glenn s more interested in his Pot Noodle.
Phill: Glenn, what the hell are you doing?
Glenn: What does it look like?
Phill: It looks like you’re eating pot noodle without adding water.
Glenn: Water?
*Glenn spits out the dry noodle into the pot*
Chris: How do you manage to get that wrong? Useless.

It’s odd that showing you the first script/episode, its actually the last you’ll ever see of it, unless you can manage to persuade Phill to get involved, he doesn’t want to at the moment. I likes writing the script, I’d still like to do the series, I starting to build up themes and vaguely some story here, it seems a shame it’s going to go to waste.

That’s all from me, enjoy your weekend

- Chris

Word Count: 1267